Parent to himself: healing childhood injuries
Today, we too often hear about cases of domestic violence, whose victims are often children. This reminds me that even if we did not have reliable and loving parents, if they did not educate us properly, we must learn how to educate ourselves in order to survive in this world.
And this applies to everyone – not only adults, but also children.
Of course, cases of domestic violence against children are unfair. But the therapist should not look at the situation from such a position. After all, this means recognizing the victim in the child, which will not help him cope with the problem. Pity does not help him move forward.
If your parents raised you perfectly, it means that you are able to freely express emotions, build boundaries and establish healthy relationships with people. But ideal upbringing is quite rare in modern families.
The purpose of this article is to help you fill in the emotional gaps that you have had since childhood because of the mistakes of your parents. The emotional traumas of childhood explain why you see the world, think, feel and behave in a certain way.
The famous psychotherapist, the founder of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, attached great importance to childhood injuries in shaping human behavior. Consider some of his quotes that shed light on how childhood experiences affect a person’s life.
“In the process of raising a child, social responsibilities are inculcated through a system of rewards and punishments. Thus, the child learns that his safety in life depends on whether his parents (and later other people) love him and whether he can believe in his love for them. ”
Most people go to a therapist to recover from childhood emotional trauma. People discuss, analyze, even demonize their parents, but very rarely praise them. We can say that the psychotherapist in such cases plays a parental role for the client. The process of psychotherapy requires great responsibility from the therapist and can be complicated by phenomena such as transfers (for example, when the client is angry because the therapist is building boundaries with him. This reminds the client of his childhood when he could not build boundaries with his parents) projections, dependencies, etc.
If a child is raised incorrectly, the world around him may seem frightening to him. When such a child grows up, he must change his picture of the world or adopt it from someone else.
One of the greatest gifts of psychotherapy is that it provides a person with a safe place so that he can discuss his worries and failures. Today, even in medical institutions, cognitive-behavioral therapy is used to help the patient understand the relationship between his thoughts, feelings and behavior.
“Suppressed emotions do not die. They were silenced. And they continue to influence the person from within. ”
I am always alarmed when my clients do not want to discuss their childhood. This suggests that they feel pain inside. If you constantly enter into a co-dependent relationship or avoid intimacy, it is highly likely that in childhood you learned about love and affection with the wrong examples.
However, in most cases, we must remember that in childhood we did not know anything about the emotional experience of our parents. If you witnessed a dysfunctional relationship between mother and father, most likely in childhood they too were subjected to emotional violence, their feelings were neglected, etc.
“Being completely honest with yourself is a good exercise.”
Living in fear or discomfort, you do not allow yourself to be honest with yourself and build a healthy, loving relationship.
If you can speak openly and honestly with your therapist, you can be sincere and with others. It’s worth it. Do not rush, gradually accept those parts of your psyche that you are used to hiding.
“If children could, if adults knew”
As children, we are vulnerable, dependent on parents and know almost nothing about feelings and emotions. If we knew how to get the unconditional love and trust of parents, we would have done so. But our parents were also not taught how to love, cope with addictions and express their feelings. They also do not know how to do it right. Of course, this does not justify the poor attitude of parents to their children, but it makes you understand that parents do not set out to upset you or cause emotional trauma. This will help you understand that you could not only adopt healthy behaviors from your parents. If you learn to drive with your eyes closed, it will put your life at risk. It is the same with emotions: before dealing with them, it is better to be aware of where you got these or other behaviors from.
“There are no errors.”
When it comes to life mistakes, things are a little more complicated here. Children who have had a difficult relationship with their parents have two options: play catch-ups all their lives, learning life lessons in practice.