Why do children behave differently with mom and dad
Elena, the mother of a three-year-old child, says: “On Saturday I returned from my parents and asked my husband, who was staying at home with his daughter, how the day went. “Great,” the husband replied. Then I asked how my daughter behaved. “Good,” said the husband. I was surprised, because usually at dinner and during the afternoon games the daughter behaves badly.
– That is, she did not act up and did not arrange a hysteria because you poured milk in the wrong cup for her?
– No, she just drank milk, and after that she took a teddy bear and went to sleep.
“It’s amazing, because usually she refuses to sleep until all her plush toys are next to her.”
Caring for my daughter gives me unforgettable moments, but sometimes it frustrates me that she argues with me over trifles, but she behaves much more graciously with dad. ”
Psychologists say that children usually behave worse with the parent with whom they spend more time. Let’s see why this happens and what can be done about it.
Why is a child misbehaving
In infancy, the child gave you the most tender smiles and seemed to be happy from being near you. Why is he now sharing only negative emotions with you? Psychologists say that the child is most comfortable expressing his strong feelings in the presence of the parent with whom he spends more time. Therefore, it will be a mistake to think that he likes to spend time with dad rather than with you. The capricious behavior of the child may indicate that he feels safe near you.
Such changes in behavior are also associated with the fact that the child’s brain is rapidly developing during this period. The child’s memory is improving, so he remembers what he wants longer. In addition, young children are just beginning to learn relationships with other people and are trying to find out how far they can go in their actions. The best way to understand your boundaries is to experience them. Therefore, if you spend more time with the child than your spouse, you will probably be more likely to encounter disobedience of the child, and it will be expressed in a more intense form.
How to maintain your authority without bringing the child to tears
The fact that the child uses his status for manipulation does not mean that you must agree to all his requirements. When he insists on something or, conversely, does not agree with you, you may be tempted to give in – especially if this helps to avoid hysteria. But young children need limits, and the best thing you can do is be careful and keep your boundaries.
How to do it right? First of all, you can help your child avoid bickering by warning the child a minute before any event that could trigger a dispute. For example, if a child has to go to bed and he plays cubes, tell him: “You can build two more towers, and then you will need to put on your pajamas, and I will read you a fairy tale.” When the child has built two towers, tell him that his time is up, and then go straight to preparing for bed. If even after this the child persuades you to build “another tower”, he will understand that you can change your mind.
Another way to prevent disputes is to offer your child several options to choose from. This will give him a sense of control over the situation. For example, if you are going to the park, and the child does not want to dress, you can offer him: “Do you want to put on a jacket or shoe boots first?”
Limit your choice to two options – so you do not overload the child. If you dress and shoe with your child, this can also help convince the child. By doing the same as the child, you show him an example of the behavior that you expect from him.
Accept a reality that is not always joyful
Even if you warn the child and give him a choice, the child will not always follow your instructions. The child may experience your patience, especially in cases where at the same time he obeys dad. But do not lose your temper. If you start to scold the child at this moment, he is likely to become even more naughty. Instead of raising your voice at a child when he behaves badly, try to maintain a friendly tone when communicating with him. You can even recognize his right to behave as he wants.
For example, if a child refuses to put away toys and things in his room and behaves defiantly, you can say: “You are right, I cannot force you to remove toys, but I need your help. Please bring the dirty things to the laundry basket so that I can wash them. ” This will make it clear to the child that you need his help, so he will be more willing to follow your request.
Finally, on the most difficult days, when it will be especially difficult for you to find a common language with your child, come up with some activities that your child will like (for example, read an interesting book for him or watch a movie together).
You can also ask your spouse for help if your child obeys him more.